The Interview From Hell
by Seto4ever90
Summary: I interview various Anime characters mostly Hellsing. Rated for language, subjects and general insanity. WARNING don't read if you don't want to see the various characters degraded! The first victim, Father Anderson!
1. Interview 1

Seth: Hello peoples! My name's not really Seth but I like it more than my name so yea… DEAL WITH IT!

Alucard: Why exactly are we here?

Anderson: Aye wit have ye got planned this time she devil?

Seth: I love you Anderson…

Alucard: (laughs insanely)

Anderson: ('s jaw drops)

Seth: Anyways, I'm here to ask several very important, life or death questions. Question one, Anderson why don't you shave?

Anderson: Wit?

Alucard: (falls to the ground)

Seth: Why don't you shave?

Anderson: Wit on earth is wrong wit ye lass?

Seth: Many, many, many things. Anyways answer the question.

Alucard: (can't breath)

Anderson: (is speechless)

Seth: I bet I know. I bet you cut yourself when you were shaving, hence the scar, and are now terrified of shaving.

Alucard: (is suffering affixation)

Anderson: OO

Seth: Moving on do you know Hidan?

Anderson: Who?

Seth: HEY KAKUZU! FIFTEEN BUCKS TO DRAG HIDAN'S HOLY ASS IN HERE!

Kakuzu: On it!

Hidan: WTF! GET YOUR HANDS OFF! THIEF! ASSHOLE!

(Brief silence)

Hidan: RAPIST!!!

Kakuzu: Shut up this is money we're talking about here.

Seth: Alright people here's a brief summery of Hidan. Religious nutcase, drinks blood, queer, non shirt wearing psyco, loves Jashin as much as Anderson loves God.

Kakuzu: (drags Hidan in)

Hidan: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH JASHIN BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLOOOOOOOOOOOOD BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ASSHOLES BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHSINNING SELF RIGHTEOUS THIEVIN G BITCH!!!!

Seth: Ladies and gentlemen both living and undead I give you the opinionated Hidan and of course the money grubbing Kakuzu. (hands Kakuzu $15)

Alucard: (still can't breath and is twitching)

Anderson: (begins quoting the bible)

Kakuzu: (walks off with money) Someone actually paid for him…

Hidan: (Continues to rant about Jashin)

Seth: (gags Anderson and Hidan) Anyways apparently they don't know each other… go figure! And moving on Anderson if you feel like shutting up I'll ask the next question.

Everyone (except Hidan and Alucard): (falls silent)

Alucard: (still going)

Hidan: (continues to rant even with the gag)

Seth: (un-gags Anderson) Do you (dramatic pause) pull your bayonets out your ass?

Anderson: OO….

Alucard: (bursts out in even more hysterical laughter)

Hidan: (still gagged and still ranting)

Seth: I'll take that as a no. Now, how do you regenerate your arms? Same question to Hidan. (un-gags Hidan)

Hidan: I need Kakuzu to sew them back on, idiot.

Anderson: Did ye forget teh take somethin' this mornin' lass?

Seth: Several things actually, like my lunch, my dogs, some cheese but don't worry I had sugar instaed!

Alucard: (TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH)

Seth: Hey is Alucard okay?

Hidan: (doesn't know, doesn't care but voices his opinion loudly anyways)

Anderson: (hopes not but assures the psychopathic authoress he'll be fine, after all he's already dead)

Kakuzu: (enters and cuts off Alucard's hand)

Seth: OO…. Whaaaaaat theee fuuuuurk dude…. What the furk….

Kakuzu: (shrugs and walks out, after cutting off Hidan's head and throwing it in a trash can)

Hidan: (Begins ranting about Jashin again)

Anderson: (puts the lid on the trashcan)

Alucard: (vanishes ninja style, in a puff of smoke)

Seth: Man this interview has really gone to hell huh… XP!!! LOVE MY JOB!! And on with the chaos! (takes Hidan's head out of the trash can and puts it back on his body) Hidan Anderson called Jashin gay and Anderson Hidan called God incest… er… us…

Hidan & Anderson: (begin fighting, Hidan using his tri-bladed scythe and Anderson using his bayonets)

Seth: And this concludes the first interview… FROM HELL!!! We hope you enjoyed!!

Schro: She does not own Hellsing or Naruto! Just imagine how crazy things vould be if she did ja!


	2. Interview 2

Seth: Hello again peoples, welcome back! I have no idea why you're reading thi-

Anderson: BLASHEMOUS HEATHEN! THOU SHALT PERISH IN THE FLAMES OF HELL!

Hidan: SINNER! I'LL SEE YOU SACRAFICED!

Anderson: OH AYE THAT'LL WORK, IDIOT!

Hidan: ASSHOLE!

Alucard: Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out…

Seras: Master?

Seth: Anyways, Hidan and Anderson are still going at it and in today's spotlight is Alucard!!

Alucard: WHAT!?!

Seth: Hey. It's only fair.

Alucard: (sighs) Fire away.

Seth: WOOT! Okay is it true you spy on Seras when she's changing?

Alucard: (blink) (blink, blink)

Seras: (faints)

Seth: Weeeeeell?

Alucard: Of course not! What the hell's wrong with you!?

Seth: As I said unto Anderson I shall say unto to you, there are many, many things wrong with me.

Anderson: DAMNATION!

Hidan: SINNER!

Seth: BITCHES! Anyways did you or did you not have sex with Walter in World War II and were you the one who shot Anderson in the first place?

Alucard: OO…. dear God…. What gutter did you find your mind in?

Seth: Found it in Tumut, anyways, your answers?

Alucard: No & yes, happy?

Seth: Hokey den, you slept with Walter but didn't shoot Alex… rightio….

Alucard: NO! I did NOT sleep with Walter C. Dornez. Yes I did trick Anderson into letting me try and blow his brains out.

Seth: Soooo you're sure you didn-

Alucard: I. Did. Not. Sleep. With. Him.

Hidan: FUCKED UP MISERABLE BITCH!

Anderson: UNHOLY GODLESS HEATHEN! BASTARD!

Seth: Damn….

Seras: (wakes up) Master?

Maxwell: Anderson where are you?

Seth: WOOT! I get to scar Maxi too!

Alucard: (to himself) Must escape…

Hidan: ('s head rolls by)

Anderson: ('s pinned to the wall by Hidan's scythe)

Seth: yet another interview that went to hell…. Oh well. (shrugs). KAKUZU ANOTHER FIFTEEN BUCKS IF YOU DRAG MAXWELL'S HOLY ASS IN HERE!

Kakuzu: ON IT!

Anderson: When Ah git down Ah'll kill ye!

Hidan: KAKUZU I NEED YOU TO SEW MY HEAD BACK ON! AGAIN!

Kakuzu: (drags in screeching Maxwell)

Maxwell: ANDERSON SAVE ME!

Seth: (hits forehead) Man you are soooooo freakin' pathetic. Dude, I mean not even I'm that bad! WIMP!

Seras: Sorry but I think she's right-

Seth: SILENCE! You will suffer soon enough! Maxwell do you love Integra, Alucard, Wolfe, Yumi, Yumiko, Anderson, Seras, Renaldo or God?

Maxwell: OO!?!? ANDERSON! MAKE HER STOP! MAKE HER STOP!

Seth: MU HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (GASP! CHOKE! COUGH! HACK! Deep breath) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!

(Phone Rings)

Seth: Shit…. (answers cell phone) Hello? Yup… really? Is it actually 5 already? Okay, okay, okay! Sheesh… (hangs up)

Alucard: Are you leaving?

Everyone: (looks hopeful)

Seth: Yea… 5 o'clock doctors appointment from hell….

Alucard: (fingers crossed) Nazi?

Seth: Jackal.

Everyone:

Maxwell: TT

Seras: A puppy dog?

Seth: Yea right… (vanishes ninja style)

Kakuzu: Does anyone know how to get out?

Alucard: No.

Anderson / Hidan: Nay / No.

Maxwell: (whimpers)

Seras: Nope.

* * *

Schro: Seth does not own Hellsing or Naruto. Nor does she own the good Doctor Jackal. Don't vorry you vill meet him next time! Anyvays ve hope you come again, ja! 


	3. Interview 3

Alucard, Anderson, Seras & Maxwell: (are playing a game of Iscariot VS Hellsing Ping-Pong and insulting each other's organizations)

Kakuzu: (is sowing Hidan's head back on his body)

Hidan: (is muttering about Jashin)

Seth: (runs in arms waving wildly screaming in terror) Anyways, Interview 3 (holds up 4 fingers)

Anderson: Um… lass? (points at fingers)

Seth: Eh? Oh… yes I did that on purpose…. (sweat drops and puts down one finger) Anyways today's victim is-

Akabane: (enter's smiling sweetly) (he's a picture of freakin innocence)

Seth: HOLY SHIT! THE DOCTOR FROM HELL'S BACK!

Akabane: Now don't be like that! We can still be friends can't we?

Seth: Ummmm…. yes….. of course…… as long as you don't kill me I'm fine…. Anyways try killing Anderson, Hidan or Alucard… it'll be funner…..

Alucard: THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE FUN!

Kakuzu: (finishes stitching Hidan up)

Hidan: SINNER PREPARE TO DIE!! (attacks Anderson)

Anderson: (retaliates) BASTARD!

Seth: okay…. --….. moving on, as I was saying. Today's victim is none other than Miss Seras Victoria!

Seras: (pales)

Maxwell: ('s laughing his holy ass off)

Seth: First off Missy V, are they real?

Seras: Um what?

Seth: Your oversized breasts man. How the hell do you even stand up?

Seras: OO!! (opens mouth)

Seth: Forestalling the obvious question, there are, as has been previously stated, many, many things wrong with me.

Seras: XX…..

Maxwell: (dies laughing)

Seth: Silence shall be taken as a yes! 

Seras: OF COURSE THEY'RE REAL YOU IDIOT!

Seth: Moron.

Seras: Jealous.

Seth: --….. -O… you die now Blondie….

Seras: You're blond too! 

Akabane: .You 2 should really try and be more civil with each other!

Hidan: FUCK YOU, YOU MISERABLE FUCKING ASSHOLE OF A SINNER!

Akabane: . Never mind!

Seth: (spins to glare at Akabane)

Seras: Why is there a J cut into the back of your shirt?

Seth: Aka-chan tried to KILL ME!! SCAPLE LOVING PSYCHO!

Akabane: That's why you like me! .

Seth: That and the fact you and Midou-kun make such a hot yaoi couple.

Akabane: (blink) (blink, blink) …. ! Why thank you Seth-kun!

Seth: Okay screw trying to faze you… (faces Seras again) anyways Blondie, do you perve on Integra?

Seras: WHAAAAAAAAAT!! OO!! 

Alucard & Akabane: (Alucard Draws Jackal and Akabane draws scalpels.)

Akabane: Shall we begin?

Alucard: With pleasure!

Akabane: This should be fun!

Akabane & Alucard: (fight)

Seth: Alright that was a yes. Now who do like the most out of the following: Pip, Fargus, Alucard, Anderson, Maxwell, Integra, RS1, RS2, Johnny Depp, me, Akabane, Hidan and Kakuzu? On the second thought just list your top five.

Seras: (blink) ummmmmm Johnny Depp?

Seth: WOOOOOOOOOT!!! JOHNNY ROX!! WE LOVE YOU!!! YEAH!!!

Everyone: OO

Seth: Ummmm (sweat drops) Well yea I'm just a wee bit obsessed deal wit it peoples.

Seras: ummmmmmm

Seth: Pick already you God damned goodie twoshoes!

Akabane: (briefly pauses in fighting Alucard) Do you have more than two Seth-kun?

Seth: --Why are you even here?

Seras: Master, Pip, Father Anderson and Integra!!

Seth: (falls over) Did I just hear Anderson before Integra?

Schro: GUTTEN TAG!!! Und now ve have a brief intermission to discus ze finer points of zis, it vould be long, tedious und boring if put here so, VE VON'T!!! HAVE FUN JA!!!

Seth, Seras & Kakuzu: (are discussing the Akatsuki uniform)

Seth: Seriously, a little more red could only make it se-!!! HOLY SHIT!! AKABANE ARE YOU KISSING ALUCARD AGAIN?!?!

Seras: (looks) Master? OMG!! MY EYES!!!

Seth: WTF are you on about now blondie? This is even better than Akabane and Ban. (pulls out camera and starts taking pictures)

Hidan: You're a fuckin' great guy, I luv ya like a sister! HIC!!

Anderson: Aye Hic! Hic! Righ' back at ye HIC!!

Seras: Maybe we shouldn't have given them all that alcohol.

Seth: Meh, they're happy, we're happy, Alucard and Akabane wouldn't notice if you thought them. You know I almost think this went well.

Seras: (shifty eyes) Jealous.

Seth: I'M NOT JEALOUS OF YOUR OVERSIZED FAKE CHEST!!!!

Seras: THEN WHY SHOUT?

Seth: Because I'm the Austhoress!

Seras: Are you really? I mean really a girl?

Seth: What's that supposed to mean?

Seras: You look like a guy, act like a guy and you dress like a guy. Most people will think you're a guy.

Seth: (jumps to feet) YOU HAD SEX WITH PIP AND KILLED HIM SO HE COULDN'T TELL!!!

Seras: (also leaps to feet) LIAR!!

Seth: (looks smug) At least I don't dress like a whore.

Seras: YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!

Seth: BRING IT!!!!!

Schro: Zis vill just degrade und get lower. So ve vill stop it here und attempt to maintain some degree of sanity, JA!! Seth does

own Hellsing, Naruto or Get Backers und ja she is often mistaken for a guy (snickers).


	4. Notice From Hell 1

Schro: GUTTEN TAG!!!

Captain: (rolls eyes)

Doc: Get on vith it Varrent Officer!

Schro: Ja, vell due to ze condition in vitch ve left out authoress und ze rest of ze cast ve are sorry to say ve have no interview today.

Doc: Seth und Seras are in ze hospital, Akabane und Anderson are missing, Hidan und Anderson are still trying to kill each other und Kakuzu is just stealing from anyone and everyone...

Captain: (snarls)

Schro: Don't stare he bites!

Doc: Vunderful, more hospital cases!

Captain: (death glare)

Schro: Ve are very, very sorry but ve shall return vith more interview from hell!! As soon as everyone can valk again...

(a black hat with a slit in the brim falls on Schro's head)

Schro: (looking up) Vat ze- OMG!!! OMG!! MIEN EYES!! ZEY BURN!!!

Doc: Vell at least ve know vere Alucard and Jackal are...

Captain: (vanishes ninja style)

Schro: Oh ja, und ve are looking for some unique questions for any und all Hellsing cast!! However normal questions vill not be used... zis is ze interview from hell ja? So ze more pointless, psychotic und insane your question the more likely it is to be used ja!! Good luck!

Doc: Zis is pointless...

Schro: Ja, but fun.

Naruto: BELIEVE IT!!!


	5. EMERGENCY NOTICE

**!!!EMERGENCY NOTICE!!!**

****

I am really sorry that I haven't updated in ages but I have several decent excuses.

1. My Dad's job got annulled (it no longer exists).

2. We're moving this week, so everything's getting packed.

3. We'll be moving again shortly after we've moved this time or shortly after we've gotten back from Canada.

4. We're going to Canada in like 2 weeks for 5 weeks.

5. I have to pack and I have work experience this week and a trip to Melbourne next week with my Yr 10 class.

6. Oh yeah and that second move could be to anywhere in Australia!!!

7. And most importantly, I've already packed most of my books and my brother being the idiot he is packed my black book up. My black book is the one I have all my stories in!!!

So please try to bear with me as we can't unpack three boxes just to find one book as much as I want too. I'll try and update all the stories after I get my book back and I'll put up other stories as soon as I can.

Once again I am extremely sorry for this but everything has been extremely hectic!

Sincerest apologies,

_Seto_


End file.
